Unzipping the suit of shame

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I walked in to church today. Confession…it had been about a month since I had been. So, I went to church, and you would have thought I was a 9th grader on the first day of school. I felt as if everyone was looking at me like “where have you been” and “why haven’t you been here”, and the ones that read my blog, I even felt nervous seeing them, as if they had seen me in my most intimate spiritual underwear.

It’s been a while since I have felt shame like that. I knew full well how ridiculous the thoughts running through my mind were, but that did not change them. I knew they were ridiculous, but I kept listening to them. I walked around with my head down, hoping not to have to talk to anyone, lest I have to explain why I had been absent for a month.

I didn’t even realize it, but somewhere on the way from my car to the front doors, I zipped up the full body suit of shame. It was like a wetsuit, sucked tight to my skin, letting nothing out and nothing in.

It wasn’t until I sat down almost in panic attack mode that I realized what was wrong with me.

In fact, this is not a new battle for me. I can preach it with the best of them behind the computer screen, but see me in public and I bow my head as if I have not been changed. I struggle to be “me” in person. I struggle to let someone else see how passionate I am about my Lord. I am almost embarrassed to show off the healing that God has done. It’s almost like my heart has had a complete makeover, but I wear a bag over my heart so that no one can see it.

Then the sermon, it would be about being salt, and light, and a shining city on a hill. About how silly it is to light a lamp, and then place a bowl over the top of it.

I am not afraid to be a lamp online. But, I am in person. I walk around with a bowl over my head so no one will see me. I zip up the suit of shame so that no one can see me. So that I won’t be vulnerable.

But…I don’t want to do it anymore. Today during communion, I laid my suit of shame at the foot of the cross. I unzipped that life sucking shamesuit, and laid it down. And I am praying like crazy that I won’t pick it back up in the morning. I want to reflect his glory, to be light, to let the whole world know how my life has changed.
But that is not what Satan wants. He wants me to be embarrassed, to make me believe that my story is not worth sharing, that my thoughts are not worth speaking. Not true-Mr. Father of LIES!!!! No sir! I am a changed person in Christ. I am a light, each and every one of us are lights, whether we like it or not! So shine sister shine!!! Unzip that ugly unflattering shame suit, and trade it for your princess dress, because you are His princess, and that is nothing to ashamed of!!!!