Monday, January 31, 2011

Feed my Sheep!

So Sunday, I blogged about denial. And briefly mentioned how after Peter had denied Christ 3 times, Christ later asked Him 3 separate times “do you love me?” Of course, Peter answered yes. Christ then instructed him that, “if you love me, feed my sheep”. I have been fascinated by this idea of feeding the sheep for the past couple of days.

And, I can’t help but think about my own little sheep, Ryan and Lauren. What am I feeding them? Are they getting nice healthy yummy gobs of fresh green grass, or simply my leftover grass at the end of the day that is wilted and dried out. They deserve all the green grass I can offer them.

And it’s not that I’m not a good mom, that’s not what I am saying. But could I be a better mom? Yes. Instead of taking away the Wii for a week, and constantly threatening to take it away longer, maybe I could give them a chore that helps somebody else. Instead of yelling at them to stop yelling at each other (this is truly one of my remarkable parenting skills LOL), I can require that they say 5 nice things about each other before moving on. I actually tried this yesterday, and it worked great. They went from yelling at each other to giggling at each other in about 2 minutes flat, it was AWESOME!

It just seems as if it is time to rethink some of my parenting strategies, so that I am not only leading my sheep out of danger, but also teaching them the way to keep out of it themselves.

Sunday, January 30, 2011


2 Timothy 3:5 NIV “Having a form of godliness, but denying its power”
2 Timothy 3:5 the Message “They’ll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes their animals”

The Bible tells us to have nothing to do with such people. Ummmmm….God?….could I be “such people”? And what does it mean to deny anyways? I had to look it up: to say that something is not true or to refuse to believe, to refuse to recognize or acknowledge. Wow, I have definitely engaged in denial of some form.

If you ask me if I love Jesus and believe in Him, if I have been saved, I will answer you with a resounding yes. And that is not a lie, these things are true. But…at times, have I refused to acknowledge His power?

What about when I look at someone in my life who is bothering me, and find myself believing that they are a lost cause and hopeless for change? What about when I get down on myself and refuse to acknowledge that He loves me? What about when I don’t listen to promptings of the spirit because it might look or feel weird? What about when I pop off at my kids because I’ve had a bad day and don’t know how to deal with my anger? What about when I refuse to stop dong something that I know isn’t healthy? And this one is going to hurt to type, but here goes…get ready for the ouch…what about when I blog about things that God has shown me and then forget about them the next day never letting them permeate the depths they need to in order to change my life? What about when I choose to trust myself over Him? Do I deny Him?

Peter. A disciple. One of the few who got to see and touch and talk with Jesus in human form. And yet, still he denied Him. Not once, not twice, but three times. And after it all was finished, Christ crucified and raised from the dead, Christ cared enough to do this. In one of His appearances following the resurrection he asks Peter 3 times, do you love me? And Peter says yes. Then feed my sheep, Jesus says.

You see, He knows we are messy. He knows that each and every one of us are capable of denying Him in some form or fashion, not just once, not just twice, but multiple times. But…He asks us…do you love me? Of course I do Father. Then you are forgiven, now go feed my sheep.

Having a form of godliness, but denying it’s power. I may fall down, I may shudder at the thought of stepping out on a limb, I may hurt beyond what I feel is repairable, I will have bad days, but deny His power, I never ever will.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

He is Parting the Waters

Isaiah 43:15-16 “I am the Lord, your Holy One, Israel’s Creator and King. I am the Lord who opened a way through the waters, making a dry path through the sea.”

Do you ever wonder why God made a path through the sea? Not over the sea. Not around the sea. No under the sea. But…through the sea. I mean…what an amazing God! He not only gave Moses the power to part the waters so that the Israelites could walk on dry land, because that alone is pretty totally awesome!!!! But, He also creates an amazing visual picture for us in the present. I never ever cease to be amazed that I can have read a scripture 20 different times, and yet every single time it has new meaning to me.

He is the Lord who “opened a way through the waters”. He is the Lord who can part the sea for goodness sakes. How much more can I trust Him to part the stormy waters in my life?!? How much more could I ask for?!? He has parted the waters my sister. He has made a way where there is no way. When it seems as if all is lost and there is nothing left in front of you but a gigantic sea of hurt and pain, He is begging you to acknowledge that He can part the waters. He will part the waters.

It is so easy to buy the lie that He doesn’t care. It is so easy to feel sorry for ourselves in the midst of our hurt and our pain, but we don’t have to! Did you hear me? We don’t have to! We have a Savior! A Savior who brings joy! A savior who makes a dry path for us and then drowns our enemies behind us.

It matter not what you have been through. It matters not what you have done. It matters not what you are afraid of, because He can part the waters. Do you believe it? Do you believe it today my dear sister? You have not because you ask not, and it may take some time before the path is made dry , but rest assured He is preparing a path for you to the promised land. He is parting the waters. Lift your hands to the sky and praise Him, dear one, because He loves you so much. Let him be your everything. Let Him shine down on your life like the Son that He is! Love Him! And let Him love you! Believe Him, He is parting the waters.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

cover me

Exodus 33:21-23 Then the LORD said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. 22 When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. 23 Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.”
Redeem her from the guilt. This is my prayer today. It seems as if so many of the women I talk with, and so many of the stories I hear have one thread in common, guilt. It almost seems as if the more beautiful the soul, and the more caring the heart, the more prone to guilt she is. Guilt for not being able to fix things, guilt for caring to much, guilt for continuing the carry the pain that she doesn’t know how to drop, guilt for coping in the ways that she did, guilt for something that was never her fault, ever, but yet she continues to carry it, guilt.
God, I ask you today, to redeem her from the guilt. Place people in her lives that let her know you care. Place a shelter around her that lets her know she’s safe. Settle the part of her soul that longs to fix everything, and give her peace and rest in the belief that your timing is perfect.
Free her from the guilt, because she is invited to stand on the rock. The one and only rock, Jesus. And not only do you invite her to stand on the rock, but you have made a cleft just for her inside the rock. She can cozy up in the cleft of Jesus, and you will cover her with your glorious hand. And after you pass by, and make all things new, it will be safe for her to come out and see the works of your hands. You provide the one and only shelter from the storm that never fails. Redeem her from the guilt God, help her find the cleft, and comfort her while you make all things new.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Delivery anyone?!?!

Today I started a new book, Shelia Walsh’s “Let go”. I wasn’t really sure what it was about, but I know I have loved everything I have read by Sheila, and she was my fav speaker at Women of Faith, and it was on the $3.00 shelf at Mardel, so I picked it up! As I sat outside (it was a beautiful 69 degrees here today!!!) reading it, she mentioned being delivered. I let out a little giggle. Delivered. What does that mean? To be delivered. Does it mean I need to go in the kitchen, poor sauce all over myself, find some pepperoni and cheese and flatten myself into a pizza? That way, when I am delivered, I will be ready? Just what does it mean to be delivered?

And, although I would like to report that upon reading that God would deliver me, I had immediate faith and trust that He absolutely would, that didn’t happen. Instead, I just kind of scoffed at the thought, thinking, boy does God have his work cut out if He is going to deliver ME. I have done tried to be delivered, and it hasn’t happened yet. Delivered. Yeah right, thanks for the lovely thoughts Sheila, but it just isn’t gonna happen.

But I haven’t been able to get the word out of my head since. I almost ordered a pizza just to see if it might give me some divine insight into what an actual live delivery might look like, maybe I would notice something I hadn’t before about delivery. But, I resorted to cooking spaghetti instead, which I promptly delivered to the hungry mouths at my dinner table.

And perhaps my sarcastic thoughts came so quickly because of the week I have had. I have really made some strides over the past couple of years in the areas of what my counselor would call “beating myself up” and feelings of shame and fears of abandonment. But not this week, I blew it all to smitherines, or at least that’s the way it felt. I had an uber large reaction to an uber small incident. So…today, deliverance seemed like something that had worked for a few months, but had failed to bring me all the way home.

And therein lies the problem, at times I tend to rely on myself and the wisdom of well-intentioned others to deliver me. And they may be able to carry me for a while, but they can’t carry me all the way home. And I may be able to walk myself for quite a while, covered in pizza sauce-cheese-and pepperoni if I so desire, but I will never be able to walk myself all the way to freedom.

And God still does have His work cut out for Him if He is going to deliver me, because at times I am super stubborn and not willing to do the work on my part that a delivery might require. At times, I’d rather curl up in my blanket of self-doubt and denial that be delivered anywhere. But, then I would just be a moldy pizza with no where to go, so maybe I’ll think about delivery!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

You have not because you ask not

Expectations. They can cause us a lot of grief if we do not make them known, or if they don’t match up to another persons expectations.

Lately, I seem to be in a bit of a frustrated place. And it seems every time I sit down to quiet my mind, God keeps putting one phrase in my mind, “you have not, because you ask not”.

I think often we assume that others around us can read our minds. They must know what we are thinking, right? It’s really easy to make the assumption that because we know what we want, that they should know too! And then, when they don’t, we walk around disappointed.

Isn’t it funny how we can do this same thing with God. For me, I know that He knows my heart and my very desires, sometimes better than I do. So I get lazy. Instead of asking for things or praying for things to be different, I just assume that God knows. And He does, but sometimes, we need to ask. Not because He doesn’t know what we need, because He does, but because it’s an exercise in trust and faith. It’s an exercise is relying on someone other than ourselves to meet our needs. It’s an exercise in humility, admitting that we can’t do it on our own and we need Him to provide for us.

When I have asked lately, I have been amazed at how quickly He meets my need. I am the kind of girl that asks for something once, and if I don’t instantly receive it, I assume He doesn’t care. But that is not true. The truth is, that when we ask for something and our heart is in the right place He will either answer with a “yes” or a “no, I have something better in mind!” or a “wait”.

It’s easy to walk around in a defeated state, assuming that if God really cared H would have already fixed it. But, have you asked? Have you asked once, and then given up? Maybe it’s time to ask again, and keep asking. Satan is banking on the fact that when you didn’t get what you wanted instantaneously, that you will stop asking. But don’t! Keep after it, be persistant in your prayers, and pray that He will renew a right spirit in you. If it is not in His will, He will let you know. But rest assured, that when you pray God’s will, it may not be an instant magic wand kind of answer, but it’s worth asking, keep asking, and He will answer according to His will.

James 4: 2-3 “…Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it.”

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

a prayer

Grow me into a leader God. Right now I trip over my words and feel so incompetent. I want to lead people to know you more. I want them to feel you like I can right now. It will never ever ever ever be enough for me to know you. I have to lead others. I can't touch you and helping others is the closest I can get. Help me to know you. Help me to love you. Help me lead others to you. Show me the ways you would have me walk. Pick me up when I stumble and give me patience as I learn. But please don't ever ever let me be stagnant. I want to run after you till the day I die. Until my last breath God, keep me loving you. Grow me. Teach me. Lead me. Never ever leave me alone. Mess me up so I will grow bit don't ever leave me alone. Take every breath and use it to lead me to you. I love you. Amen.


Sometimes I get stuck in an icky funk. I call it paralysis mode. The best way I know how to explain is, I sit there ruminating, thinking, and ruminating, and thinking, sometimes for an hour or more. I have been doing it lately concerning the gym. The alarm goes off at 5 am and instead of hopping out of bed and getting my hiney to the gym, my brain has been playing this little game instead:

“Do you have your clothes ready? What if you can’t find your shoes and you
wake up your husband? Is your IPod charged, what if it needs charging and you
are too late to get there in time? What if one of the kids wakes up and wants
breakfast? What if you go to they gym today and then you are running late and
you are late getting the kids to school and late getting yourself to work? What if
………….? What if……………? What if…………….?”

And it’s not just today, I do this daily. It really is unbelievable when I think about it (ha, when I think about it, I am even ruminating about my ruminating, LOL!). And by the time I get to the end of all this thinking, I am exhausted and just end up going back to bed. But, I not only did this with the gym today….I almost called and cancelled an appointment at work today because I was too worried about a million things that could go wrong with the group. The crazy thing is…had I cancelled that group today I would have missed out on a very important event and some excellent bonding time with some amazing teenage girls.

So to make a very long story short, today God has been prompting me to STOP. The “paralysis” is keeping me from so many things. This worry of what “could” happen is keeping me from having anything happen! Really, as the bible says, who can add a single day, or for that matter, a single second to their lives by worrying? In fact, I would even say that worry is a thief, stealing us away from our goals and activities that we actually might enjoy and learn from!

So…if you are a fellow nutty worry wart, paralyzed by fear, like me, it might just be time to STOP! Not just think about stopping, or worry about if stopping is even possible, just STOP! Ask God to help you stop! He will ϑ Don’t let Satan use worry to steal another moment of your life! Love you all and blessings!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Are you worth it? Yes you are!

It’s so often that we don’t realize the impact our words have. I got a card from a wonderful friend the other day with a little bitty note. Just a few simple words. “Thanks for being a wonderful you.” I don’t know how much thought she put into that statement, or that she has any idea the impact that these words had on my day today, but she could’t have made a more perfect statement.

Thanks for being a wonderful you. Not thanks for being a wonderful friend. Not thanks for always being there. Not thanks for the gift. Not thanks for anything really…except just being who you are.

How often is it that someone just loves you for you? How often is it that we just love someone else for being them? Putting no requirements on the relationship. Putting no definition on the relationship, just loving them, simply for being them. It is a rarity for sure…and when God blesses you with someone who loves you like this in your life it is such a tremendous gift.

But the real beauty is that regardless of what the people around us ask or require of us, there is one who always has and always will just love you for you. Sinning…He loves you for you. Praising…He loves you for you. Crying…He loves you for you. Angry…He loves you for you. Lonely…He loves you for you. Happy…He loves you for you. Afraid….He loves you for you. Embarrassed…He loves you for you. Yes, in all your glory, in all your youness, in the good times and the bad times, He loves you for you. What a gift that is. That’s a nice place to park the mind.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Feelings as a year has passed

Well, here I am. On January 9th will be the one year anniversary of this blog. I can hardly believe it. Coming from a girl who hardly ever follows through with much of anything, this truly is a feat of amazing grace and a testament to God’s amazing power. I am amazed…….and yet I stand a bit confused.

Looking back over past posts, I began to realize how quickly I have forgotten some of the lessons I thought I had learned. I began to see areas of growth that had begun, but quickly withered back away as I hurried past them to get to the next thing.

In some posts I can see how deep the hurt was running, and I can remember the tears that welled as I wrote. In some posts I can tell that I was just posting something to have a post for that day, LOL. And in some posts I can remember the joy of small battles won, and tastes of victory from bondage I thought I would never escape.

This blog definitely is holding true to it’s name, a JOURNEY of healing. And while some things have not changed in this journey, I can tell you one thing that has. I REFUSE to be in a hurry any longer. I refuse to rush myself through one phase and to the next before I fully breathe in every grain of knowledge God meant for me to gain. Because anything else is cutting myself short. How can I truly grow from an experience if I am constantly looking to get to the next thing.

I battled and battled within myself, looking for some kind of “New Years Resolution”. Should I set one? Should I not? Are they silly? Are they doomed for failure? And I wondered and I wondered, and had about concluded that there was not one needed for this year, that is until tonight. Tonight when I sat down, I realized what a beautiful journey I RAN to get through. I complained and griped to God just about every step of the way, and begged for Him to just hurry up already and FIX me. But you know what, the truth is I won’t ever be FIXED till I get to heaven. This Journey of Healing, it is a lifelong process of healing. And I want to feel every single solitary ounce of healing balm that He has to offer me. I want to bathe in it and soak it in rather than running out of the bathtub screaming - I GOT WET - DRY ME OFF NOW!!!!

And in my looking back through my posts…I found this poem...which perhaps says it best of all. Perhaps more meaningful to me know than at the time I wrote it. Blessings to you all, and may you enjoy the journey…for it passes much to quickly.

I do not ask to understand the way that I should go
I will simply follow thee on the path I do not know
I cannot see in front of me and the night seems to never end
Although I'm scared and lost right now I trust you for the end
I've asked for healing so many times and it seems as if ignored
But now I see that I must bow down if I wish to be restored
Pridefully I've touted how much I've done and how much I know
But you require none of that for mercy to begin to flow
You require a heart that bends humbly at your throne
Stripped of pride and emptied-all thats left is a spirts groan
And then when the self has realized that she cannot save her soul
Its then she finds her way back to the one who fills the hole
For only in our emptiness can God begin anew
He humbles that our eyes may see the sin and how it grew
And grow it did with pride to nourish the leaves of disbeleif
Until God cut it to the quick with never ending grief
And so it seems as if the end, as if a part has died
But a new beginning around the bend, yes he felt the tears I cried
So I do not ask where I am going, I really don't need to know
All that's needed is a humble heart that's willing to let go