Monday, January 3, 2011

Feelings as a year has passed

Well, here I am. On January 9th will be the one year anniversary of this blog. I can hardly believe it. Coming from a girl who hardly ever follows through with much of anything, this truly is a feat of amazing grace and a testament to God’s amazing power. I am amazed…….and yet I stand a bit confused.

Looking back over past posts, I began to realize how quickly I have forgotten some of the lessons I thought I had learned. I began to see areas of growth that had begun, but quickly withered back away as I hurried past them to get to the next thing.

In some posts I can see how deep the hurt was running, and I can remember the tears that welled as I wrote. In some posts I can tell that I was just posting something to have a post for that day, LOL. And in some posts I can remember the joy of small battles won, and tastes of victory from bondage I thought I would never escape.

This blog definitely is holding true to it’s name, a JOURNEY of healing. And while some things have not changed in this journey, I can tell you one thing that has. I REFUSE to be in a hurry any longer. I refuse to rush myself through one phase and to the next before I fully breathe in every grain of knowledge God meant for me to gain. Because anything else is cutting myself short. How can I truly grow from an experience if I am constantly looking to get to the next thing.

I battled and battled within myself, looking for some kind of “New Years Resolution”. Should I set one? Should I not? Are they silly? Are they doomed for failure? And I wondered and I wondered, and had about concluded that there was not one needed for this year, that is until tonight. Tonight when I sat down, I realized what a beautiful journey I RAN to get through. I complained and griped to God just about every step of the way, and begged for Him to just hurry up already and FIX me. But you know what, the truth is I won’t ever be FIXED till I get to heaven. This Journey of Healing, it is a lifelong process of healing. And I want to feel every single solitary ounce of healing balm that He has to offer me. I want to bathe in it and soak it in rather than running out of the bathtub screaming - I GOT WET - DRY ME OFF NOW!!!!

And in my looking back through my posts…I found this poem...which perhaps says it best of all. Perhaps more meaningful to me know than at the time I wrote it. Blessings to you all, and may you enjoy the journey…for it passes much to quickly.


I do not ask to understand the way that I should go
I will simply follow thee on the path I do not know
I cannot see in front of me and the night seems to never end
Although I'm scared and lost right now I trust you for the end
I've asked for healing so many times and it seems as if ignored
But now I see that I must bow down if I wish to be restored
Pridefully I've touted how much I've done and how much I know
But you require none of that for mercy to begin to flow
You require a heart that bends humbly at your throne
Stripped of pride and emptied-all thats left is a spirts groan
And then when the self has realized that she cannot save her soul
Its then she finds her way back to the one who fills the hole
For only in our emptiness can God begin anew
He humbles that our eyes may see the sin and how it grew
And grow it did with pride to nourish the leaves of disbeleif
Until God cut it to the quick with never ending grief
And so it seems as if the end, as if a part has died
But a new beginning around the bend, yes he felt the tears I cried
So I do not ask where I am going, I really don't need to know
All that's needed is a humble heart that's willing to let go


10 comments:

  1. A beautiful poem and a beautiful perspective of not rushing through, but living in the moment. I think we give the greatest praise when we can do this with a heart turned to Him. Thank you for sharing. Blessings here!

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  2. This entire post was so beautiful, Stephanie. The poem, and I especially love your declaration "I refuse to rush myself through one phase and to the next before I fully breathe in every grain of knowledge God meant for me to gain. Because anything else is cutting myself short. How can I truly grow from an experience if I am constantly looking to get to the next thing."

    It really is a journey, isn't it?

    Bless you,
    Erin

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  3. A beautiful post...and poem Stephanie. I loved your thoughts and was so very encouraged.... sometimes it's so easy to get lost in the wanting to be fixed that we don't really see that it truly is a journey...one that does not end here but in heaven.

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  4. I love this poem and I love your heart and I love how God puts people in our lives who are on similar spots on the journey to encourage us, to cheer us on, to fight the battles with us. I shall not be in a hurry with you.

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  5. Stephanie - God used this poem to lift me today..I've been struggeling so the last two days..I'm encouraged because He can use anyone from anywhere to touch us..how beautiful is that? He's so big...but so very close...here is one of my most identifiable lines ( don't know if that is a word;)
    And then when the self has realized that she cannot save her soul
    Its then she finds her way back to the one who fills the hole
    xo

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  6. Loved this post. This has been a complex day of sorts...seeing God move mightily and see man's destruction - all in the same day! Yet, as your post and the poem reminds me that God is faithful. He has not abandoned us in our storm. And, we can come to Him. I love the idea of not rushing through the journey. Somehow I think when God walked with Adam and Eve, He wasn't rushing through it but strolling and stopping to see His creation - basking in the fellowship. May these moments be like a traffic stop - we teach our children to stop then - look and then to listen. Isn't it truth spiritually? Praying for your journey.

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  7. beautiful post! thanks for stopping by my blog today. oh, and i've been blogging right at a year, too. i should look up that anniversary!

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  8. Hi Stephanie. Thanks for your kind words at Amy's place!

    As I read this, I nodded along. I've gone over my posts thinking, Hmm - did I actually learn that before writing about the next 'epiphany'? And sometimes an old lesson pops up, apparently needing to be relearned. 'What?! I thought I dealt with that!'

    I was so encouraged when I heard once that 'forgiveness is like an onion - it has many layers, and each one makes you cry.' I apply that to following Christ in general, and am encouraged to try 'again'.

    Thanks goodness... 'cause I'll probably be learning and relearning until heaven :)

    Thanks for sharing! I look forward to reading more :)

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  9. Love the poem!

    Yes, I always want to hit the fast forward button, too. And yet.

    It's so much more about the process rather than the product, isn't it?

    Bless you, Stephanie. I love that you are using your writing to heal. I started only one month before you did and I'm astounded at how much I have worked through in my mind simply by writing and as an extra bonus and while I know I have a LONG way to go, my writing has improved as well.

    You are one beautiful soul, Stephanie.

    Natalie at Mommy on Fire
    http://www.mommyonfire.com

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  10. Stephanie, this was amazing. It spoke to what what I've been going through this last year. The ups and downs. The humbling that we each need to do to have God start working within us.

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