The Land of the Living

So…Narnia-Voyage of the Dawn Treader is AMAZING if you haven’t seen it yet. It makes me want to go back and read the books all over again. And I just had to share one little quote, and mind you I am going from memory, so it is quoted loosely, but it goes something like this:

“I’ve spent far to long chasing what was taken from me, rather than what I have been given”.

I don’t know about you, but speaking as a person who is prone to the victim mentality, this quote hit hard. Victimization is a difficult thing, a very difficult thing. Anyone who would classify themselves as a victim in the first place had something pretty horrendous happen to them. People may have told them they deserved it. People may have dismissed their story and ignored their pain because it was to much for them to bear. Being a victim is often a plight that a person bears somewhat alone. Often, years are spent pining for what was “taken” from them. Be it their virginity, their ability to enjoy sex, their ability to have a normal relationship, their ability to sleep at night without torturing nightmares, the ability to be happy, the happiness of a “normal” childhood.-years are spent longing for these things. And some of these things will return. With healing a lot of these things, such as the ability to be happy and enjoy a normal relationship will be possible. However, things such as a “normal” childhood, well a person can spend years and years harboring hate and resentment and longing and chasing after what was taken. Seeking, and seeking it, completely ignoring the gifts of the present because the stench of the past is far too strong.

The first time my counselor told me that it was important for me to change my thought patterns, and to redirect my thoughts, I knew that she was right, but it felt so invalidating. I felt like yelling at her, and telling her that I have earned the right to be sad and miserable and I could think about such things as long as I wanted to. And I was absolutely right, I could think about these things as much as I wanted, but what I didn’t realize is that I was forcing myself to stay in the bondage. As long as I continued to focus on things that had happened in the past, there would be no moving into the future. But that was okay with me, because I had fooled myself into believing that the future held nothing for me anyways.

I don’t know what happened, other than a divine intervention, and some tough love from those I love the most, but eventually, I had enough. I came to the point where I had sufficiently spent enough time feeling sorry for myself, and realized that making other people feel sorry for me was not getting me the results I wanted. I thought for the longest time, that if I acted miserable enough, and had everyone around me feeling sorry for me, that I would finally get the attention that I deserved. What I didn’t realize was that it was doing the exact opposite, it was driving everyone away, and as for attention, the attention that I longed for-I was seeking in the wrong place. People couldn’t heal my wounds, only God could heal my wounds. God was the only one who felt my hurt as strong as I did, but He had no desire for me to stay swimming in it. He wanted to heal me from it. He wanted me to stop longing for the past and wake up to what I was missing in the present.

I know there are so many of us who have a tremendous amount of pain in our past, or even in our present. But that does not mean we have to let it permeate into every aspect of our future. We must fully acknowledge the pain of the past, find forgiveness for ourselves and for others, and when the time is right - LET IT BE. Let it be what it is. Nothing more and nothing less. A part of us in need of acceptance, but need not be our sole definition. If something is going to define me, I certainly don’t want it to be “sexual assault survivor” or “depressed girl who recovered with meds and therapy” - I want to be defined by Christ. So therefore, I must live this way. I must make the choice daily to focus my thoughts and my heart on Him. I must choose to think about whatever is right and lovely (Philippians 4:8), and when I do choose to think about such things, I realize what a gift it is. God has given us so much more than we could ever ask or imagine, and He does such amazing things with our pain when we are willing to hand it over to Him. I am constantly amazed by what He can do with a little bit of trust and humility on my part. He can do great things with us messy girls, so let Him. It’s okay to hand Him your pain, He knows exactly what to do with it.