And, although I would like to report that upon reading that God would deliver me, I had immediate faith and trust that He absolutely would, that didn’t happen. Instead, I just kind of scoffed at the thought, thinking, boy does God have his work cut out if He is going to deliver ME. I have done tried to be delivered, and it hasn’t happened yet. Delivered. Yeah right, thanks for the lovely thoughts Sheila, but it just isn’t gonna happen.
But I haven’t been able to get the word out of my head since. I almost ordered a pizza just to see if it might give me some divine insight into what an actual live delivery might look like, maybe I would notice something I hadn’t before about delivery. But, I resorted to cooking spaghetti instead, which I promptly delivered to the hungry mouths at my dinner table.
And perhaps my sarcastic thoughts came so quickly because of the week I have had. I have really made some strides over the past couple of years in the areas of what my counselor would call “beating myself up” and feelings of shame and fears of abandonment. But not this week, I blew it all to smitherines, or at least that’s the way it felt. I had an uber large reaction to an uber small incident. So…today, deliverance seemed like something that had worked for a few months, but had failed to bring me all the way home.
And therein lies the problem, at times I tend to rely on myself and the wisdom of well-intentioned others to deliver me. And they may be able to carry me for a while, but they can’t carry me all the way home. And I may be able to walk myself for quite a while, covered in pizza sauce-cheese-and pepperoni if I so desire, but I will never be able to walk myself all the way to freedom.
And God still does have His work cut out for Him if He is going to deliver me, because at times I am super stubborn and not willing to do the work on my part that a delivery might require. At times, I’d rather curl up in my blanket of self-doubt and denial that be delivered anywhere. But, then I would just be a moldy pizza with no where to go, so maybe I’ll think about delivery!