Friday, February 19, 2010

This is the way, WALK in it

I am always aware that God is present, weather I can feel it or not. In my mind, I know he is there, and I know my prayers are not just bouncing off of the ceiling, although oftentimes Satan fools me into thinking that they are. But sometimes just the physical presence of another person is necessary. And don’t get me wrong, my husband is amazing and is always there for me no matter what. But there is just something about a hug from the heart of another woman who has been through the same trauma-it’s almost like God reaches down through her and hugs you just to let you know you are not alone.

I have shared my story more times in the past month or so than I ever thought I would be able to in a lifetime. A year ago, I had never even shared it with one, not even my husband. But living in a vacuum is a lonely place to be, and a very fearful one at that. But out of sheer desperation for some healing, I have shared it numerous times lately. And although in the past I have felt that sharing my story was selfish, and why would anyone want to hear me talk about such pain, I have found that I am finding connections with people that I have so longed for. I am FINALLY for the first time ever beginning, and I recognize it is just a beginning, but I am beginning to fill the void left by victimization and years of closing myself off emotionally.

And there is just something about a hug for me. I think that it is because I am so demonstrative, that I just need the physical act of someone binding up my hurt to start to feel better. Words are awesome, words are great, but hugs can bring some real healing, for me.

I feel like am moving to a new place, a place where it is becoming more and more safe to be who I really am. To know that there is no one in my life who is trying to victimize me now, and I don’t have to protect my heart anymore. It has been sealed off with an iron wall, not letting anything out, but unfortunately not letting anything in. It has just been starving to death for some genuine love and affection. And God is providing more immensely than I ever thought possible, through his own presence yes, but also through countless others, and I love all of you. And I want to thank all of you for everything you have poured into me, and your patience as I have had to walk a difficult road.

Healing really is a journey. It takes time, and often much more time that we would like for it to.

Isaiah 30:15, 18, 21
This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises up to show you His compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who WAIT for Him!
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the way, WALK in it.”


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