It was not to long ago at all, that I was desperate for the pain to end. I was filtering through some extremely painful memories, not even able to escape them in my sleep. I would think about the trauma all day long, wanting desperately for someone to come along, pick me up, dust me off, love me, and take the pain away. Then I would cry all night, because day after day it didn’t happen. Nothing could touch the pain, the only thing I could do was lay in bed, envisioning myself in the arms of Jesus, clenching my bible, and falling asleep in a pool of my tears.
It wasn’t that long ago at all, that I felt if I ever came through the pain, it would be a miracle. If I could ever function again, or go a day without crying, it would be a complete act of God. It wasn’t that long ago that I saw myself as nothing but a victim, and let him continue and continue to victimize me with thoughts of worthlessness and shame over and over and over again.
Why do I tell you these things? Because I am just stepping a little bit out of that pain-where I can function in a tiny bit of joyfulness, rather than simply celebrating a lack of suffering. I want you all to know this because, I think it is important for all of us to understand, weather we have been victimized ourselves or not, we need to understand the pain that comes. It may not come immediately, it may fester for many many years, and then spew out like a gyser. But, rest assured it is there, and when it comes out it is not pretty. But, it HAS to come out.
And when it comes out, it is not a one time thing. It is not like you tell your story, and one eventful act of healing takes place-As I hoped it would be. No, it is telling it over and over and over again, and releasing yourself from the shame over and over and over again. Until eventually, you are released, just a little bit, and you are finally able to breathe again. And then it may latch back on, and you have to release it again, and again, until finally you find some freedom in Christ.
I truly believe that Christ is the ONE and ONLY one who can set us free from the destruction that victimization can bring. And as I come out with my story, I find that almost every single one of us can identify in some sort of way with victimization. So, I guess what I am trying to say, in a long drawn out way, is be patient with others and with yourself. Healing is a process-and even when it seems like you can’t survive another second of the pain, you can, with Christ you can. He will give you the strength even when you feel like you are paralyzed and will never be able to move another inch.
And PLEASE don’t be afraid to ask for help, not a single one of us was meant to walk this journey alone. I have been so blessed with others who have helped me every single step of the way, when I was willing to ask, or put down the mask of perfection. People must know you are hurting to be able to help. And I hope you all know how much many of you have been a support for me, you all are amazing. I know that God has led me through this healing, painful as it may have been, so that I can walk with others truly empathizing every step of the way, and gently guiding their hand to their Savior, because he is the only one who can truly set us free.
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