Thursday, July 22, 2010

Darkness, Light, Forward, Backwards, I'm really not sure?

Things have been a little crazy for me lately. You know that roller coaster I was talking about in my previous post, well I am still riding it a little bit, but kind of in a different way. I remember something Beth Moore said in one of her studies so clearly because it resonated so hard within my heart, it was something about every time we take three steps forward, we will usually take 2 steps back, but at least we are one step ahead of where we started from.

I don’t know that I had taken any steps forward, but I sure took a few back, or maybe they were forward, well I’m really not sure which direction I am going, LOL. Let me explain. I have been struggling, hard core, with some things of the past that had a definite way of latching on to me like leaches and have been sucking the life out of me ever since. For the past year or so I have worked on accepting some of this stuff, and for the past year I have waited for the day God would magically set me free from the bondage and I wouldn’t have to carry it any more. During this time, those who know me well would ask how I was doing. Because I do have a degree in Counseling, I knew and still know all the right answers to say. I know exactly how I should be dealing and feeling right now if I was to live my life according to a counseling textbook. And because I have desired to look perfect all of my life, I would give those answers, and many times still do, and then wonder why I don’t feel all the things I was say.

Funny thing about being fake, it is EXHAUSTING! I finally have come to the place where I realize that it is okay to say, “NO! I am not okay today, I had horrible nightmares last night, I feel like I should be over this by now, and right now, today, I am telling myself what a loser piece of crap I am, and yes, what happened years ago STILL hurts today!!!!” Funny thing about being honest, it is FREEING! It is like taking a huge breath of fresh air that I never knew existed.

Admitting and talking about the fact that I still hurt, that I hate every shred of what happened, and that I just feel overwhelmed by it sometimes hurts. And yes, it did throw me back into the weeping welping deep watery waves of depression for a few days. But God pulled me out. He let me know that I needed to STOP being so fake about my healing, because others need to know that sometimes it still hurts, I need to know that sometimes it still hurts and feel that hurt so that I can let it pass. And while falling back into the throws of the ocean of pain and self-loathing shame felt like regression at the time, I can see that it was not regression at all. This was progress, great progress at that. You see, God lifted some of the shame. He forced me to bring out into the light what I had seen as only darkness. He is going to make it something beautiful, I know He is, I have no doubts anymore. And the best part is, He doesn’t just have something beautiful in mind for me, He does for all of us. There is no one like Him, no one else can shine a light in the darkness that suddenly takes a broken, ashen, dirty, torn little girl and instantly transforms her into a beautiful glowing bride with one sweep of His hand.

Psalm 139
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.


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