So since this blog is a “Journey of Healing”, today I had a little revelation as I distance a little more from the pain part of the journey into the growth part, and I just had to share J
I seem to find myself lately not really motivated to do much of anything. Not to say that I am not busy - because I am super super super busy! (Nutcracker rehearsals and performances EVERY NIGHT for the next two weeks). But I am not talking about being busy, I am talking about being productive in the bearing fruit area. My fruit tree has been looking a bit barren, and to be quite honest, I have been happy with my naked tree for the past few weeks or so.
Today while drying my hair (this is where I do most of my deep thinking by the way, why? I don’t know, but it just seems to happen there) I started thinking about why my motivation seems to have flown out the window. I thought back to a conversation I had with my counselor when I was in the hard and fast throws of gut wrenching pain. I told her that if I let go of the baggage I was holding onto, that I was afraid I would lose my motivation. That if I believed I was worthy just because God loved me, and that I had nothing to prove, that I would have not motivation to do anything. She told me that the last thing she was worried about was me losing my motivation, after all it had pushed me to a Med in Counseling and almost to pursuing a PhD in Counseling, that is until all my baggage became crowded around me so tight that I had to face it! But…it happened…just like I thought it would…my motivation kind of went for a little vacation. For the first time I have felt okay with just being me, messiness (literally) and all, just happy with being me. Which, don’t get me wrong, is a GOOD and much needed thing. However, I kind of missed the part of me that was motivated to get out there and do something, to keep my house pretty, and to get off my hiney and to the gym.
So…while drying my hair I felt the spirit move me to a new place. My motivation in the past was to achieve. Yes, I helped others in the process, but my main motivation was to achieve and to feel worthy. But now it needed to change. My motivation needs to change. My motivation needs to be to love and to serve my King, whatever that may look like at the moment. I may no longer want to lead a group at church because I want to appear as if I have it all together, but I do want to lead a group at church because I want to be there to help others know that Christ’s love is unconditional and that He is worthy of our trust. I may not want to go to the gym so that others will say I look good, but I need to go to the gym so that I can take care of the body God has given me in order to better serve others. I may not want to clean my house because it is important to me that my house is cleaner than my neighbors, but I need to keep it clean so that it is a nice place for my family to rest, a safe place to fall.
So…where did my motivation go? My motivation to prove myself and accomplish flew out the window…but God is going to gift me with a new motivation. And I am excited to see what He is going to do with it. I love the journey J