Comma Drama

I kind of don’t have anything to write today, but for whatever reason still feel complelled to write, About what…I have not idea. It’s kind of like I have hit a writers block. If I’m honest I have hit it in more ways than one. There seems to be a never ending comma that is just hanging there to irritate me in the story of my life. Not in all aspects, in my family life things are progressing quite nicely. But professionally, I am at a comma spot. I have the degree I want, I have a lot of things I want, and if I look back on the sentence I just wrote maybe that is the problem The problem that I used the word I 4 times, yes 4 times in once sentence. Hmmmmmm. Could it be that I am living in the I? Could it be that I am living to get what I want? Could it be that I am holding out my cup, and asking God to fill it with all the things I think I want, and it has yet to be filled because the cup cannot be filled selfishness? Hmmmmm. You know commas are there for a reason, they allow a pause, a break in thought before the next thought is introduced. Perhaps the text will resume when I have realized the totality of the thought before the comma. Fullfillment does not come from seeking the things you want, COMMA!!!!, but seeking to serve and know me more through BELEIVING and SERVING.

But...I'm already more than a good bible study girl

I have read many Encouragement for Today devotionals over the past couple of years. These are the devotionals put out daily by Proverbs 31 ministries, which I love and would definitely recommend subscribing to, they are free! And EVERY time I read one by Lysa Terkeurst, I would LOVE it! And then came the tag line at the end of almost every one, “for more on this topic check out my book “Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl”. And every time I would see the name of this book, there would go my thoughts. “But I am already more than a good bible study girl, what possibly could that book have to offer me, that book is not for me, that book is for people who just go to church and that’s it, I don’t need a book like that” But yet…every time I would read her devotionals the thought would enter my mind that maybe I should pick that book up, and every time my pride would say “nope, you already are more than a good bible study girl”.

So there I am helping a church on Sunday and from across the way I see the bookstore, and there is Lysa’s face staring at me from a book cover, “Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl”. LOL! It was almost as if this book was haunting me. So when I got done helping I wandered over, and picked it up, opened the cover, and low and behold, there were things I could learn from this book! LOL! Shocking that I don’t know it all isn’t it. LOL!

Since then I have started reading this book, and let me tell you that I am quiet certain it was written just for me. And…I have discovered that I still have a looooooooong way to go in becoming more than a good bible study girl. So…yet again…I got my toes stepped on in the most loving kind of way. I would encourage you to check out this book, because even a girl who already believes she is more than a good bible study girl can still use some growth, and for me, A LOT of growth 

Love and Blessings from a Stubborn Sister,
Stephanie

Caffienated Randomness...Itchyness

So I found this way cool blog today, called under grace and over coffee. The link is on the side, check it out! Anyways on Fridays, she does this thing called caffeinated randomness, and I am participating. It is just a random post for Fridays, just a fun post, and then linked to her blog! So here goes, here is my caffeinated randomness.

Lauren got a part in the Nutcracker today, actually two parts. The tiny tot, and the lamb :) I am so very excited, and she is too, LOL! But she did inform me that the lamb costume is the itchyest costume, but she guessed it would be okay. I couldn't help but think, yeah, I have had God ask me to play some itchy parts in my life. Parts I didn't really wanna play, and they made me itch a bit, but I can deal with itchyness if it's what God has for me. Eventually He'll move me along to another part, and I can take of that itchy costume and put back on my princess dress! My caffienated randomness for the day...let God's word scratch the itch :)

Growing pains

There’s a reason they call it growing pains. Cause it hurts like crazy. I know that God knows what in the world He is doing with me, but sometimes I want to holler out, “Hey God, I think you picked the wrong girl”. Did you know God that I get nervous in crowds? Did you know God that new people make me sweat (yes, I realize that may be TMI, but it’s true)? Did you know that I stumble over my words? Did you know that although I can write, speaking makes me want to crawl under a table? Did you know God that I am a mess? Did you know God that I can’t do this on my own? Did you did you did you did you did you know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And He says, “Yes, dear, I know you better than you know yourself.” So I will trust Him. He is doing a new thing, and it hurts for now. Pushing a baby plant up through the wasteland of my soul requires some serious ground breaking, but the stream that waters it will heal the hurts.

Isaiah 43:19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Just an ordinary day...turned extraordinary

It’s been an odd day. Just one of those days where the spirit sits upon me, and I can feel every ounce of the presence. I thank God for days like this. For days when He is so thickly spread upon my heart that I know there is not a chance in hell that Satan can steal this healing. Days like this, when at the end of the night my hands are shaking because I am so overwhelmed with the power of his presence. Days like this are the ones worth longing for, worth living for. Not because anything special happened, not because I gained an ounce of approval from anyone, but because for just a few moments I can feel the Spirit upon my soul and I get the tiniest glimpse into what heaven might feel like. And it’s awesome. To even have the slightest touch of His hand holding mine, it overwhelms my heart so much I can barely breathe. Its days like today when there is not a single shred of doubt in my mind that He is real. That He is the one real thing that I can always count on, that this is what love, pure love, must feel like. So thank you Lord for today, thank you that you can make a normal day into an extraordinary day, just by doing that thing you do in my heart. I love you.

Random thoughts on Redemption

Redemption. The forgiveness of sins. What a blessing, what a gift. We have absolutely nothing to offer Him, yet he chooses us. What a privilege. Not only do we get to be forgiven, but we get to use the gift of forgiveness and redemption to bring others to Christ. He not only forgives us, but sends us to a place where we can share that forgiveness with others. We may not always say the right things, or do the right things. But that is the beauty of it all. For the times we have fallen, and the times others have watched us flounder, we get to share with them how we were lifted out. Even the times when we fall our hardest, there is no loss. Because the times when we fall the hardest God will show His glory the most. His glory, the only thing that could have possibly pulled us out of our mess, and others see that.

I keep asking him when he is going to allow me to speak. He has redeemed my life, when will I have the opportunity to speak about it? I don’t want to be ungrateful for the opportunities He has given me to write, but I want to speak. And yet every time I have tried to speak lately, I have floundered over my words, almost as if He is muting me for now, and He is. Kind of saving me from myself.

I think He sometimes withholds opportunities because it is not time yet. We are not ready yet. I am still recovering and learning how to be me, minus the fake me. I am not ready to speak yet. I first have to find comfort and confidence in my skin. I have to gain a sense of comfort in being who I really am, minus the smiley façade. Then I will be ready to speak. When I am ready to listen, and ready to be still, and ready to say the things He would have me say, then he will gift me with speech. Until then, He will allow me to write, find Stephanie, and recover. Then, when I have been still long enough, redemption. He will speak through me because I will be blank enough to allow it. It requires a complete blankening of the slate before He can speak through us. Emptied of ourselves, and then and only then will we be ready for Him to speak through us.

Just hold on sweet girl. Just hold on throughout the pain. Once it all bleeds out, you will be ready to be refilled. And when you are refilled, you will be filled with the spirit. And I will speak through you. Just not yet, for now rest in redemption. Wherever you are, rest in redemption, knowing you are exactly where God wants you to be.

Happy New Year!!!

Lauren and Ryan both go back to school tomorrow! I am a bit sad, a bit anxious, a bit excited, and a bit uncertain. For some reason, this new start to the school year is reminding me of New Year’s resolutions. Although, the year on the calendar is not changing, in a way this seems like the start to a new year more than it did in January. So I am challenging myself. It’s a new school year, and I feel called to make some changes.

Last year was difficult, at the start of the school year, I was studying for the NCE which was enough to make a girl crazy in and of itself. However, I was also still trudgeing through depths of past issues and depression. I was not the mom I wanted to be last year. Too consumed with my own issues and depression, I was not emotionally available to my children or my husband like I wanted to be. Not that I am faulting myself for these things, this was just a difficult season in my life where some baggage needed to be dropped, painfully dropped. But this year is different, it is kind of a year of new beginnings. This year, no matter what I am feeling, He IS my hope and my strength.

This year I want to not just struggle through the days, and go to bed at night thinking I survived another day. I want to enjoy myself, not selfishly, but I want to enjoy giving to others. I want to enjoy loving people. I want to enjoy loving my kids, and loving my husband. I want to enjoy cooking for them. I want to enjoy sending cards to their teachers just because I know how hard of a job they have. I want to enjoy reaching out to the students I see, because God may use me to speak the truth of His love in their lives. I want God to work an incredible amazing work in the moms group I lead. I want to go on a walk to Emmaus. I want to refocus my passions. I want to give depression a kick in the booty once and for all, and tell Satan that He doesn’t stand a chance against God’s truth. It’s a new year. It’s a new beginning. I pray that God will do some amazing things, and I want to drop myself at His feet as a willing vessel to do His will. I just want to love, like Jesus loved, holding nothing back.