On Friday and Saturday, I am very honored to be guest posting on Samantha Reed's blog, Fields of Gold.
She is doing this AMAZING series on jumping off the "negative thought train". So if you are ready to take a leap of the train, hop on over to her blog! I know you will be blessed by the entire negative thought train series. Sam's words always pierce my soul to the core. Her blog is one of my absolute favorite places to rest my weary head.
Blessings, and hope you all have a fantastic weekend!!!!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
She Breathes. She Speaks.
I still remember the day. It was a bit windy outside, and I sat there waiting for my counselor to arrive. Today was the day I had decided to speak.
We sat there in her office. Halfway mumbling, I told her I was ready to talk about it. She just said okay. What I love the most about her is that she never pushed or prompted me before I was ready. I’m quite certain it took me the better part of an hour to get out the sum total of about 10 sentences. Sentences filled with words that had always haunted my soul, but had never been spoken before. The words describing the night it happened, the date rape.
My memories were still very sporadic at this point, and I still envisioned myself in the front seat watching the whole thing happen. But, I spoke. She spoke. For the very first time the little girl that had been silent for 11 years was allowed to breathe. She speaks.
She speaks. Proverbs 31 hosts a conference called She Speaks. I have decided to attend this year, and would be honored to receive a scholarship. It is a conference where I hope to learn how to be a better writer, and maybe even a speaker someday. But to me, she speaks means so much more than the name of a conference.
Proverbs 31:26 says that “she speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue”.
It never ceases to amaze me how much wisdom was held in that sweet little 15 year old me that was raped. When I finally allowed her to speak, she flooded me with her strength. When I finally allowed her out of the dark and let her breathe, God lavished her with a beautiful crown of grace and mercy. And any faithful instruction that ever comes forth from my lips is because God has given it to her, to me. She speaks.
It is my prayer today that if you have a little girl buried inside you, that maybe you will give her the opportunity to speak. She may be scared, and feel weak, and broken, and shamed, and dirty, but if you hold her, if you allow Jesus to hold her, she will speak. She speaks.
If you also feel the call to attend She Speaks, I would greatly encourage you to visit their website. They offer a speakers track, a writers track, and a ministry track. I just know God is going to do some amazing things here, through some amazing women. And you can win a scholarship! For more info on that, click here! I would love to see you there!
Oh, and please drop by Samantha Reed’s blog, Fields of Gold, on Friday where I am honored to be guest posting. I will be telling a bit more of my story, as well as how Christian Counseling and cognitive behavioral therapy can help you jump off the “negative thought train!”
Much blessings and love,
Stephanie
We sat there in her office. Halfway mumbling, I told her I was ready to talk about it. She just said okay. What I love the most about her is that she never pushed or prompted me before I was ready. I’m quite certain it took me the better part of an hour to get out the sum total of about 10 sentences. Sentences filled with words that had always haunted my soul, but had never been spoken before. The words describing the night it happened, the date rape.
My memories were still very sporadic at this point, and I still envisioned myself in the front seat watching the whole thing happen. But, I spoke. She spoke. For the very first time the little girl that had been silent for 11 years was allowed to breathe. She speaks.
She speaks. Proverbs 31 hosts a conference called She Speaks. I have decided to attend this year, and would be honored to receive a scholarship. It is a conference where I hope to learn how to be a better writer, and maybe even a speaker someday. But to me, she speaks means so much more than the name of a conference.
Proverbs 31:26 says that “she speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue”.
It never ceases to amaze me how much wisdom was held in that sweet little 15 year old me that was raped. When I finally allowed her to speak, she flooded me with her strength. When I finally allowed her out of the dark and let her breathe, God lavished her with a beautiful crown of grace and mercy. And any faithful instruction that ever comes forth from my lips is because God has given it to her, to me. She speaks.
It is my prayer today that if you have a little girl buried inside you, that maybe you will give her the opportunity to speak. She may be scared, and feel weak, and broken, and shamed, and dirty, but if you hold her, if you allow Jesus to hold her, she will speak. She speaks.
If you also feel the call to attend She Speaks, I would greatly encourage you to visit their website. They offer a speakers track, a writers track, and a ministry track. I just know God is going to do some amazing things here, through some amazing women. And you can win a scholarship! For more info on that, click here! I would love to see you there!
Oh, and please drop by Samantha Reed’s blog, Fields of Gold, on Friday where I am honored to be guest posting. I will be telling a bit more of my story, as well as how Christian Counseling and cognitive behavioral therapy can help you jump off the “negative thought train!”
Much blessings and love,
Stephanie
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
i wish i had an easy answer...
I have had a lot of questions voiced lately about how I have found a way to live in freedom. First of all, let me say that it is a daily struggle. I wish I could tell you that I live in 100% freedom 100% of the time. In heaven some day, we all will. But for now it continues to be a daily battle for me, and for all of us. I am a mess of a girl, a sinner, and continue to be, but so thankful to be forgiven and to be God’s mess.
And I wish it were as simple as providing a step by step process or checklist of the exact steps to follow to freedom. Trouble is, those steps are different for every individual. Just as not a single one of us has the same fingerprint, not a single one of us has the same soul, so the path to freedom will be very different for every one of us.
What I can tell you is that my path to the place I am currently involved 2 years of very intense weekly cognitive behavioral therapy with a very experienced Christian Counselor, a bible study of Beth Moore’s called “Breaking Free” through my church, the support of family and friends, and many days and nights spent crying-writing-screaming-and weeping. Sounds like loads of fun doesn’t it, LOL!
I am not saying the process was easy, it was anything but easy. But…God sustained me and continues to sustain me. And was it worth it? Does it continue to be worth it? 100% absolutely yes!!!!!! Whatever your road to healing – it is essential that it includes daily time diving into His word, and daily time on your knees in prayer.
In the end I am confident that each and every one of us will look back over the journey, and not say “boy that was easy” but “boy that was worth it” and we will see God’s footprints with us every step of the way.
Here are a couple of books that helped greatly on my journey that you might want to consider:
Beth Moore: Breaking Free and Get out of that Pit
RT Kendall – How to forgive yourself, TOTALLY
Lysa Terkeurst – Becoming more than a good bible study girl
Devotional – Streams in the Desert
And I wish it were as simple as providing a step by step process or checklist of the exact steps to follow to freedom. Trouble is, those steps are different for every individual. Just as not a single one of us has the same fingerprint, not a single one of us has the same soul, so the path to freedom will be very different for every one of us.
What I can tell you is that my path to the place I am currently involved 2 years of very intense weekly cognitive behavioral therapy with a very experienced Christian Counselor, a bible study of Beth Moore’s called “Breaking Free” through my church, the support of family and friends, and many days and nights spent crying-writing-screaming-and weeping. Sounds like loads of fun doesn’t it, LOL!
I am not saying the process was easy, it was anything but easy. But…God sustained me and continues to sustain me. And was it worth it? Does it continue to be worth it? 100% absolutely yes!!!!!! Whatever your road to healing – it is essential that it includes daily time diving into His word, and daily time on your knees in prayer.
In the end I am confident that each and every one of us will look back over the journey, and not say “boy that was easy” but “boy that was worth it” and we will see God’s footprints with us every step of the way.
Here are a couple of books that helped greatly on my journey that you might want to consider:
Beth Moore: Breaking Free and Get out of that Pit
RT Kendall – How to forgive yourself, TOTALLY
Lysa Terkeurst – Becoming more than a good bible study girl
Devotional – Streams in the Desert
Monday, March 7, 2011
It is for freedom....
Photo Credit Here
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
That verse always seemed a little redundant and strange to me.
I always assumed that it was for my own freedom that I had been set free. But, standing there ironing my pants, suddenly it occurred to me. The moment that I know all too well, when God gently taps me on the shoulder and reminds me that, gulp, it’s not all about me!?!?
It is for our individual freedom that He sets us free, but if we stop there, we sell an amazing God waaaaayyyyyy short. It is for freedom that we have been set free. Not just for our freedom, but for the freedom of others.
It’s hard working breaking free of bondage, it requires a heart that fully submits to the Savior and allows Him to come in and tend to the wounds. But what good is it to keep that healing to ourselves? Yea, we might feel a bit better, but what good is freedom if everyone around you still lives in captivity?
I have been struggling lately with showing my freedom anywhere other than behind a computer screen. For a while, I kind of felt like sharing my thoughts on my blog was good enough. I didn’t need to share things in person, after all, if I just friended them on Facebook, they could read my blog, and I would never have to speak!
Speaking is just different. When someone reads my blog, I don’t have to watch their reaction, I don’t have to open myself up for questioning, I don’t have to be quiet as vulnerable. But when I speak it, I get all nervous and red and sweaty, and I bind myself all up in knots.
But why? It is for freedom that I have been set free!!!! And for the first time I get it. I have been set free so that others may receive freedom. It is for their freedom that I have been set free. How selfish of me to keep this freedom to myself, it is for FREEDOM that I have been set free.
The verse goes on to say, stand firm then, and do not let yourself be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
I must stand firm! I must be brave. I must not let myself be bound up in knots, because it is for freedom that I have been set free. Others need to know that there is freedom! That there is life. That they can too be set free.
Girlfriend, if you have been set free, please join me! It is for freedom that we have been set free, and everyone needs to know it! Don’t just write it, but speak it! Live it, shout if from the rooftops. Take that suit of shame, and that yoke of slavery and send it straight back to Satan where it belongs. You have been set free, for freedom! Stand firm then! And speak it sister!!!
And if you feel captive right now, don’t give up. Seek counseling, reach out to friends/church members/family members, dive into your bible like it’s the only thing you have left, and pray till your knees dent the floor. And most of all, know that He will never leave or forsake you. A bruised reed He will not break. I don’t always understand His timing, sometimes it seems all too slow to the hurried girl, but I know that His timing is never ever a single second late. Trust Him with all your heart, plead with Him to help you overcome your unbelief that He loves you, and give Him your everything. He won’t let you down.
I have the awesome privilege of guest posting over at Samantha’s blog this week at www.fieldsgold.blogspot.com. Her line up of guest posters this week include some amazing women including Melissa Taylor, Wendy Blight, and Mary DeMuth – not to mention the AWESOME Samantha Reed herself!!!! Come on over and visit as we learn lessons about how to jump off the negative thought train!!!!
And linking up with my awesome sisters over at Jen's Finding Heaven!!! How does a girl like me get so blessed with so many awesome sisters in Christ!?!? Basking in the awesomeness of it all! I am one happy, freedom, shame suit free girl.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Unzipping the suit of shame
Photo Source Here
I walked in to church today. Confession…it had been about a month since I had been. So, I went to church, and you would have thought I was a 9th grader on the first day of school. I felt as if everyone was looking at me like “where have you been” and “why haven’t you been here”, and the ones that read my blog, I even felt nervous seeing them, as if they had seen me in my most intimate spiritual underwear.
It’s been a while since I have felt shame like that. I knew full well how ridiculous the thoughts running through my mind were, but that did not change them. I knew they were ridiculous, but I kept listening to them. I walked around with my head down, hoping not to have to talk to anyone, lest I have to explain why I had been absent for a month.
I didn’t even realize it, but somewhere on the way from my car to the front doors, I zipped up the full body suit of shame. It was like a wetsuit, sucked tight to my skin, letting nothing out and nothing in.
It wasn’t until I sat down almost in panic attack mode that I realized what was wrong with me.
In fact, this is not a new battle for me. I can preach it with the best of them behind the computer screen, but see me in public and I bow my head as if I have not been changed. I struggle to be “me” in person. I struggle to let someone else see how passionate I am about my Lord. I am almost embarrassed to show off the healing that God has done. It’s almost like my heart has had a complete makeover, but I wear a bag over my heart so that no one can see it.
Then the sermon, it would be about being salt, and light, and a shining city on a hill. About how silly it is to light a lamp, and then place a bowl over the top of it.
I am not afraid to be a lamp online. But, I am in person. I walk around with a bowl over my head so no one will see me. I zip up the suit of shame so that no one can see me. So that I won’t be vulnerable.
But…I don’t want to do it anymore. Today during communion, I laid my suit of shame at the foot of the cross. I unzipped that life sucking shamesuit, and laid it down. And I am praying like crazy that I won’t pick it back up in the morning. I want to reflect his glory, to be light, to let the whole world know how my life has changed.
But that is not what Satan wants. He wants me to be embarrassed, to make me believe that my story is not worth sharing, that my thoughts are not worth speaking. Not true-Mr. Father of LIES!!!! No sir! I am a changed person in Christ. I am a light, each and every one of us are lights, whether we like it or not! So shine sister shine!!! Unzip that ugly unflattering shame suit, and trade it for your princess dress, because you are His princess, and that is nothing to ashamed of!!!!
Friday, March 4, 2011
How to be loved...
Lately, I have been working on loving others. But yesterday, something occurred to me. I could also use some work on learning to be loved.
It comes along with the “victim” mentality I think, that ability to learn not to be loved.
My first real dating relationship was misery. I went in expecting love, and to be loved. Nothing wrong with that, right? Except, he was not ready to love. He was manipulative and pushy, and I knew the red flags were there. But, he liked me, and I liked having a boyfriend. I liked that he told me I was beautiful, never mind if he used that to manipulate me. I needed to be told I was beautiful, and for the moment he filled the void.
And through this, I learned that to be loved, I had to perform. The constant threats of suicide if I didn’t do what he asked, the constant threats that he would leave me, the constant ridiculous sick requests that I would comply with – why – out of fear. Fear of being unloved. Never mind you that my parents loved me like crazy. Never mind you that I had heard all my life that God loved me. It wasn’t enough, I needed his love. And it eventually led to date rape, the ultimate violation, where I learned that not only did I have to constantly reciprocate to receive what I saw as love, but that being loved meant being hurt.
So…to me…being loved is difficult.
It is difficult for me to accept a compliment as genuine. In the past, if you complimented me, I believed one of two things. That I didn’t deserve your genuine compliment, and I must instantly reciprocate so that I can maintain my shame. Or that you are completely in-genuine in what you say, and I need to keep you at a distance to protect myself.
You can imagine the disasters this can create in a relationship. My natural tendencies would be to either smother you with reciprocation because I believe that I am not worthy of anything you say about me. I have to give it back to you. Or…I am completely fake and tend not to believe a word you say – thus maintaining the protective wall.
Counseling has helped me with these tendencies. But, my natural pattern, the pattern I revert to when I am stressed, goes back to the above.
I guess that’s what I find so amazing about Jesus. He requires that I learn to be loved. He reminds me that there is no way I could ever deserve or earn an ounce of his love. I am not worthy of it, and even if I smother him with praise, I still am not worthy. Only through Christ, only through learning to accept Christ’s love, to be loved, can I be made worthy. Learning to be loved…a step on the journey.
It comes along with the “victim” mentality I think, that ability to learn not to be loved.
My first real dating relationship was misery. I went in expecting love, and to be loved. Nothing wrong with that, right? Except, he was not ready to love. He was manipulative and pushy, and I knew the red flags were there. But, he liked me, and I liked having a boyfriend. I liked that he told me I was beautiful, never mind if he used that to manipulate me. I needed to be told I was beautiful, and for the moment he filled the void.
And through this, I learned that to be loved, I had to perform. The constant threats of suicide if I didn’t do what he asked, the constant threats that he would leave me, the constant ridiculous sick requests that I would comply with – why – out of fear. Fear of being unloved. Never mind you that my parents loved me like crazy. Never mind you that I had heard all my life that God loved me. It wasn’t enough, I needed his love. And it eventually led to date rape, the ultimate violation, where I learned that not only did I have to constantly reciprocate to receive what I saw as love, but that being loved meant being hurt.
So…to me…being loved is difficult.
It is difficult for me to accept a compliment as genuine. In the past, if you complimented me, I believed one of two things. That I didn’t deserve your genuine compliment, and I must instantly reciprocate so that I can maintain my shame. Or that you are completely in-genuine in what you say, and I need to keep you at a distance to protect myself.
You can imagine the disasters this can create in a relationship. My natural tendencies would be to either smother you with reciprocation because I believe that I am not worthy of anything you say about me. I have to give it back to you. Or…I am completely fake and tend not to believe a word you say – thus maintaining the protective wall.
Counseling has helped me with these tendencies. But, my natural pattern, the pattern I revert to when I am stressed, goes back to the above.
I guess that’s what I find so amazing about Jesus. He requires that I learn to be loved. He reminds me that there is no way I could ever deserve or earn an ounce of his love. I am not worthy of it, and even if I smother him with praise, I still am not worthy. Only through Christ, only through learning to accept Christ’s love, to be loved, can I be made worthy. Learning to be loved…a step on the journey.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
He loves you...is that a statement or a question to you...
Did you know He loves you? Such a simple question. But do you know?
You read the words. You hear the songs. But do you believe?
I often wish there was some way to just impute into someone’s brain the love that God has for them. I want it so badly for them because I know the sting of feeling unloveable.
I know what it is like to sit and feel lonely and broken. I know what it is like to read about God’s love and believe that it flows for everyone but me. I know what it’s like to blast right through an encouraging scripture, not paying it 2 seconds thought, because before I could even process, my automatic thoughts told me that it wasn’t for me.
So what changed?
I wish I had the magic answer to that question. It wasn’t instantaneous. It was a process. It is a process.
But, I believe. I made the choice to believe that God loved me even when I didn’t feel it. Not because I wanted to. But out of obedience. Not because it made sense to me. But because I knew the bible was truth, even if it baffled me. I had to decide that I would choose to believe God over my own thoughts.
Did the emotions follow? Not immediately. Did I all the sudden begin to “feel” loved? No, not all of the sudden. But…God allowed some time to pass.
I looked out on the beach. I saw a big ocean. I was afraid. I put my toe in, just the tips. And I stood there for a while. Choosing to believe that the sea of love was for me, but not willing to step in yet. And then, over time the waves just carried me out. And before I knew it, without knowing how I got there, I gently drifted into a place where I was surrounded by such powerful waves of love, I would never ever ever be able to get out, even if I wanted to.
Once we give God our heart, He takes it and makes it His own. He will not let you down. Choose to believe He loves you, and soon you will be swept away in such deep and enveloping seas of love that it will drown out all of the negative thoughts Satan could ever plant in your mind. And despite anything that has happened or will happen to you, you will know that God loves you. Jealously. Passionately. The kind of love that dies for you….
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