What's in a name?

What’s in a name? It is something we go by. Something we answer to. But really, what is in a name?

A name is something we may use to protect ourselves. A label we can attach in times of uncertainty so that others will know what to expect. When others hear our name they immediately reach into their mental filing cabinet, pull out our file, and whalla, they have their own version of us pulled up and ready to go. But what is in this name, this file? Is it who we really are? Are we really nothing more than merely some drummed up perception of what we think of ourselves or what others think of us? Or are we more?

I believe that we are more.

If we merely added up to the sum of our name, we would be nothing than numbers in a line. Robots, all going about the same business day in and day out. Just people, passing through, and when our time was done, it would be done. But, I believe we are more.

Despite myself and what others would think or say about me, there is a name that He has given me that is much greater. It is that of a daughter of the most high God. It is in this name that I find my true identity. It is in this name that I can breathe amidst the trials of this earth. It is in this name that I can rest and find peace. This is my name. This is who I am, because of Jesus. Jesus, HaShem, The Name.

Silly girl...just trust me...and bring praise

I haven’t blogged in a couple of days, because I have just been overwrought with some family drama. And when I say overwrought, I mean completely overwhelmed, unable to breathe. I am not going to go into the details, let’s just say I had fears that my worst nightmares were coming to pass. They may or may not have, I really don’t know at this point. But, as with any situation involving family, it gets all convoluted and emotions flying everywhere at 90 miles an hour. What I would normally do as a professional came into collision with what I feel I need to do to protect my family, and I wasn't even sure exactly what protecting my family looked like at this point. When professional and personal judgment collide, it is like trying to pick between two equally legitimate paths. Then you add trying to decipher God’s will in the mix, and the roads become one big mesh of unavigateable highway.

Notice, I said “trying to decipher God’s will”. Not that I think it’s wrong to do this, we must seek Gods will. However, I have a tendency to wait about 30 seconds to decipher His will, and then I decide that He is not going to answer, so I had better just figure it out myself. In case you haven’t noticed, I have a REALLY hard time with patience. I have a REALLY hard time with trust, still, although He is working on me. And I am extremely HEADSTRONG, so I jump to the “I will just figure it myself” mantra. All of this I do instead of the one thing I should do, sit in peace and rest and wait on God to provide His perfect answer. Instead I run around like a chicken with my head cut off, screaming the sky is falling, until He answers. And I am so grateful that despite my ridiculous displays, He still answers. That is grace that is unconditional, that is love.

Today, God provided me with a friend who directed me on a path that finally let me breathe. The God path. The path He made that does not require me to choose between my professional and personal judgment. The path He made when there seemed to be no way out, the perfect path, the God path. And He was there all along, all I had to do was wait. His timing is always perfect, He always hears us, and I know that if I would just trust Him, I could save myself a lot of pain and worry.

Instead...I will bring praise.

Be healed

I have this scripture that I just can’t get out of my mind. It is Mark 1:40 - 42 out of the NLT.

“A man with leprosy came and knelt in front of Jesus, begging to be healed. “If you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean,” he said. Moved with compassion, Jesus reached out and touched him. “I am willing,” he said. “Be healed!” Instantly the leprosy disappeared, and the man was healed.

What particularly struck my attention was the little star by the word compassion, stating that some texts state “moved with anger”.

I sat there dumbfounded over why this situation would move Christ to anger. After all if He is angry, I knew it must be some type of righteous anger. I closed my eyes and hashed this out: compassion, anger, compassion, anger. Whenever I thought of the word compassion, I couldn’t help but have the visual in my mind of the child we sponsor through Compassion International. So with that image in my head, I immediately thought of how angry it makes me at times that we have children in this world that don’t have food and water. Hmmmmm, compassion could lead to anger then. So maybe it is that, Christ so hurt for this poor man plagued by leprosy that He was not only filled with compassion but an anger that His child was hurting. Not just some child, but His child, the child He loves.

Then as I was driving home tonight listening to Sheila Walsh’s “Amazing things happen when a woman trusts God” on CD, I listened to her tell the story of Jesus weeping at the grave of Lazarus. She applied a similar thought to these verses, in that Jesus was hurting for the pain of those He loved.

Wow. I truly have a new respect for what Christ does in the healing process. I have always thought that the hardest part of healing is the waiting. It seems as if it takes forever at times, that God is simply ignoring your requests. It can seem as if we are in so much pain that if we have to bear another minute we will not survive, but somehow we hang in there. I always sat there wondering if God is just sitting back in His big heavenly beach chair hanging out while I am crushing under the weight of pain, after all if He heard me, surely He would act.

However, these passages gave me new assurance that He not only hears my cries, but is pained and perhaps even weeping and angry over the pain. He does not ignore one little bit of our hurt, but stands right there in the midst of it with us, collecting each and every tear we shed. And when the time comes, we know He is willing, and we will be healed. Maybe not in the way we expected or imagined, but we will be healed.

prayers for the survivors

I am at a training for dialectical behavioral therapy. A therapy commonly used for borderline personality disorder. A disorder that has a high incidence of clients with sexual abuse or assault in their past. And tonight I watched private practice which was very graphic tonight about a sexual assault, or the word that I hate to say , rape.

Sexual crimes are horrific. I can't tell you how many women I hear who say things like it left them hollow, tearing out their soul. I hate it. I am hurting for them tonight. I have my own assault experiences, but as time passes I hurt less for myself and more for others. I guess that's a normal progression after some degree of acceptance.

Let's just send up some prayers for the next couple of days for the victims. The silent ones. The healing ones. The ones in gut wrenching emotional pain. The ones who self medicate to numb. The ones who cut. The ones who contemplate suicide. The ones who are working to help others but still falling back into their own pain at times. The list could go on...but I think you get the idea. And if that one is you...and you would like specific prayer please feel free to comment or email. I would be honored to pray for you. God bless, and He loves you so much. Its true.

humble pie

Okay already. I've had enough of the humble pie. Not only was I convicted today about being prideful...see post below...if you will note in the post below I linked the amazing Sam at fields of gold to the wrong blog address. Yea. Yea. Yea I sure did. And if I wasn't only equiped with my blackberry at the moment I would fix it, and will when I get home. Ummmm...what's that you said? Pride comes before a fall? Ha! Yes it sure does. Signing off as his humbled servant Stephanie.

God is a God of second chances

Do you ever have one of those nights where it feels as if angels and demons are wrestling right above you? Had one of those nights last night. And honestly, this morning I hesitated with whether or not I wanted to share about the massive amount of conviction that kept me up last night, or rather just sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened. I kind of was opting for never happened until I remembered it was link up day to Jen at Finding Heaven, and after reading her post, yes, okay God, I will share.

You see, it is easy for me to share my struggles when it comes to things such as depression or healing from past hurts and pains. Somehow these struggles have taken on a "holy" vibe to me. However, I still have a hard time sharing the "real" sin struggles. The struggles with things like pride.

Last night Sam at Fields of Gold linked to my blog. I was so excited, because I felt so honored to be linked to by such an awesome writer. However, I woke up last night realizing that in the excitement that she liked my post, I NEVER EVER EVER EVER even thought much about the pain behind her words. I thought about my own pain behind my words, but never hers. So there I was at 2 am, with God telling me, you need to appoligize to her. Your head got swelled up so big with the yourself, that you never even followed the passion of what you set out to do. Reach out to women and pray for women who struggle just like you do.

I didn't start blogging to get more followers or more likes, yet on days it seems as if that is what I am after. I didn't start blogging to make myself look good. I started blogging so that maybe someone else could derive some benefit from the journey of my own pain and struggles. I started blogging so that women who feel alone, might know that they are not so alone. I started blogging because it was what I felt God wanted me to do. Where did I make the wrong turn? I'm not really sure. But it's time to whip a u-turn and head back up the road to where I started from. So glad our God is a God of second chances.

Today I am linking up with Jen at Finding Heaven as a part of a new sitsterhood that is not about "THE QUALITY OF OUR WORDS BUT ABOUT LIVING THOSE WORDS". Praying for all of us sisters that whatever our struggles, we will see God's hand working as never before.

the other side...

Lamentations 3: 55-57 But I called on your name, Lord, from deep within the pit. You heard me when I cried, “Listen to my pleading! Hear my cry for help!” Yes, you came when I called; you told me, “Do not fear.” 

Some of the wisest, most soothing words ever spoken into my life were these, “you don’t know what’s on the other side”. Very simplistic words, but carrying the weight of such truth. If it wasn’t for these words coupled with divine intervention, I would have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. The truth is, we so often don’t know what is on the other side. God brings us to places where we can only see the next step, if even that. At times we may only have enough light to see where we are right now. As excruciating as it may be, He may call us to wait and trust that He is sovereign. It may seem like the calls we make from the pit go unheard. We may be screaming, where are you God in the midst of this? My marriage is falling apart! I can’t take the pain anymore! Why won’t you take these memories and pain away? Why won’t you heal me? Where are you God? But, He is there when we call. He knows exactly where to find us. And He whispers, do not fear.

We cannot see what is on the other side, but He calls us not to fear. He calls us to rest our heads upon His chest, and upon the truth of the word, and trust Him. We cannot see on the other side, but we do know that what His word says is true. We do know that God works together for the good in all things. The holidays can be rough, especially if we are in the midst of a trial at a time when we are expected to be happy and joyous. It may seem as if no one sees our pain, however it does not stop just for the holidays. It does not go away so that we can celebrate with family, and then return at a better time. It stays, even uninvited, it stays. But rest your heart in His hands, knowing that He sees your pain, and as bad as you want Him to take it away, He asks you not to shrink away from Him, but to cling to Him fearlessly. He sees your pain. He knows your pit. Take comfort in the silence, resting, knowing that soon you will reach the other side.